Funemployment Part II

11 09 2009

Please See Funemployment before reading (previous post). 

 

I returned home, as ready as I could be to face my challenges. I was not, however, ready to go back to work. That anxiety had not faded. I worked diligently with my Cali Therapist, JM, for a week and a half before making the call. Or rather email. I knew I had to face the music and return to a productive life. We set a meeting for a Monday, exactly 30 days after my medical leave started, for my supervisor and the HR director. 

 

I would like to say my employers were perhaps more supportive of what was going on in my life than most employers would be. They were aware of the circumstances, I was honest with my condition (manic depressive) and they were forgiving of my decreased productivity and rooted for my well return. 

 

Life went on while I took my hiatus, as it always will, and regretfully budget cuts had taken place while I was away. I was not let go due to my ailement. Far from it. I will always have a friend with Lucky Strike and they are an amazing company. However, I was greeted on Monday with a promise of two weeks severance, a health insurance option with Cobra at 30% of the normal price and well wishes. I was officially Funemployed. 

 

To say I did not feel relief would be misleading. The job had created unnecessary anxiety and I could feel myself slipping from the determination I carried when I started. I enjoyed my job but it was becoming increasingly clear it was not the profession I was meant to be in. Have you ever reached a point in the day where you just know, no matter how hard you try, you will not be productive for the rest of the day? I had not experienced that for the first 5 months of my job. By the sixth that hour came sooner and sooner. I knew I was unhappy. I knew I needed a change, but I needed to pay the bills and that came first. By being let go I was forced to reevaluate my career choices and my goals. 

 

I have spent the past two weeks growing personally. I have looked at my options. I want to write, but I need to pay the bills. I looked at my passions – writing, reading (I read a book a day, two days if the book is longer than 500 pages), expression, creativity. What could I do with that? I could go into a career where writing was more prominent. But I realized I wanted to share my passion with those of a younger generation. In a world where TV and Video games are now the teachers of the young, I decided to go into the education field. In high school I was awarded with two amazing English teachers. The first perhaps moreso than the second (the second was young and inspiring in the way that attractive young male teachers are). Mrs Weyhe showed her students there was more to Literature than endless chapters and book reports. That Literature was a way of expressing one-self. She showed us not everyone was a star author, but everyone could take the creativity from a written work of art and express it in their own way. In that class I created sculptures, I wrote songs, i learned to read between the lines, and I found that reading could be much more than just a hobby. Because of her and Mr. Shanoskie I became an English Lit major. 

 

It had become time to make use of my degree. I began researching education programs and looking into taking the exams needed for my credentials. I was optimistic with my goals and thoughts but unmotivated. Whether it was my need for a break or the remnants of a depression that left me clawing for the refuge of my bed, I do not know. But reality hit home the day I was supposed to receive my severance check. I had looked into part time jobs and applied for unemployment, but with bills growing and life, being the sneaky thing life is, continued and I realized it was high time to get off my ass and get some work done. 

 

And that is where you will find me today. Working on my resume, searching for a job of any means (preferably in the education field, but I will use my skills to make some money) and contacting my University to send my official transcripts so that I can enroll in CalTeach for the Winter/Spring semester. 

 

Through my daily abuse of novels I have also realized my book will never write itself. Nor will I be able to sit and just write and see what comes out. I took the goal too lightly and disrespected it. Novels, whether fiction or non-fiction, memoire or novella, take research, time, care and a great deal of respect. It goes beyond wondering if my grammar will be shoddy, my spelling horrible and my creativity good enough. The first two is what “fresh-eyes” (friends and peers who can reread your work and catch what you cannot) and editors are for. The creativity is up to me. You either have it or you don’t. I’m sure I do. But as enjoyable as it may be for me to write, it is still WORK. It is about deciding on a topic, a plot, something to start from, and compliling research. It is hours, days, even months of putting together the necessary information needed. I thought back to all of the essays and works I was proud of. Even my creative pieces required some level of research and a high level of commitment. 

 

So I will teach. Even in this shaking economy I will work toward that goal, making money where I can while I attempt to reach it. I will find days to go to the library and research. I will try and blog more often. I will work at not hiding in my solitude. And I will put myself out there. 

 

Thank you to my loyal readers who continued to comment on whatever they felt like discussing and being patient. Thank you to two amazingly supportive parents who stood by me in my greatest hour of need. Thank you to my brother who has faced his own hurdles and is an outstanding person and one who understands the trouble I found myself in. Thank you to Kristy, the best big sis a girl could ask for, for understanding who I am at my core and for being there for me, regardless of what was going on. And thank you to Alex, for not running when times got tough, for staying home and taking care of our affairs and watching over our mutts when I could not, for loving me enough to see past the depression and to want to work with me on creating a good life. And of course thank you to my dogs. Because they are the most loyal creatures one could ask for, such as Mizz Laylay, who has yet to leave my side since my return. 

 

Photo 34

scan0039

Dad and Me, Disney World tram, probably 1990

 

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30 responses

11 09 2009
Clo

First off, let me start by saying, I love you, I adore you, I think you are amazing. I know that might make me come off as creepy… But I did miss you Rowdizzle, and I’m so unbelievably happy that you’re back, and you’re on the road to being… Better? OK? Happier? Stable? Fill in the blank with whatever word you think fits.

Secondly, I think that teaching and you would be a great fit. I really honestly do. I wish I could do it, I loved doing my thing with the kids over the summer, but unfortunately, I just don’t care enough about the “technicalities” of writing. Grammar, spelling, editing, that’s all boring stuff to me. I don’t want to teach it, and I don’t want to do it. But you, I think, are the perfect balance of… Uh, I dunno, lol. I just think you would be very good at both sides.

Thirdly, I’m glad your back. Have I said that already?

12 09 2009
Witchypoo

What Cloey said, Goldie…same for me. I think you’re pretty amazing to be so persistently willing to look for the “bright”, (my word for optimism) – even while you’re so significantly challenged, (for the time being, that is), in this endeavor by the medical/physiological condition of depression/anxiety. I don’t know all the correct terminology, but I’ve been exposed to certain key people in my life while growing up who also experienced these conditions. I know just how debilitating it can be. I think you’re exceptional in how you’re dealing with it head-on, and so honest and open as well. We’re all here for you, should you want or need to share, unload, vent…or just to not feel lonely. I’ve been thinking and wondering about you frequently during your absence – I’m very happy that you’re back, Goldie. Talk to you soon, and take care.

12 09 2009
lara21167

Rowdy, Witchy and Cloey said it all. You are an amazing woman, always know that. I’m glad you are doing better, you sound more like yourself if that makes sense. And as Cloey said I think you’ll make an amazing teacher. You seem to have a real passion for writing and creating and that is important in teaching. Don’t give up your idea for writing a novel. I know I’ll buy it 🙂 Anyhoo I’m glad your back and out of that dark tunnel. We all love you and support you, don’t forget that.

12 09 2009
Witchypoo

Oh yeah…the teaching? I think you’d make a terrific teacher, Goldie. Even in your comments on the various blogs since getting to know you, I’ve noted that you have a very effective, friendly, easy way of explaining/detailing subjects you’re interested in. People of all ages respond to that kind of communication style. Teaching sounds like a great plan for you.

Take care.

13 09 2009
Witchypoo

Btw, Goldie, I meant to tell you that the picture of you with your Dad is touching. He looks like a very sweet, warm man – I’m sure you both feel lucky to have each other. Take care.

14 09 2009
lara21167

Oh the fun we have on Bedroom Blog. Who in the hell is this Peyton person and what rock did she crawl out of??

14 09 2009
Clo

Ha ha, and you know NYC is just siding with Peyton because she hated on Witchy.

It’s just funny to me, because Peyton is SO flawed. Calling someone immature and then turning around to name call, then saying you’re not pathetic enough to edit your posts online, but being “pathetic” enough to argue with people you say are bat shit crazy.

And that Ajoe person? I’m fine if they were like “OK, let’s get back on topic” and then wrote something on topic. But how can you yell at people for BEING off topic, only to join the off topicness? C’mon people!

Internet fights are occasionally fun.

Laura, are you still reading Diary of J?

14 09 2009
lara21167

Yea, I’m still reading Diary of J. It’s getting rather studpid. The dramatic childhood thing seems to center around an older sister who beat her up all the time. And something about foster care, she hasn’t gotten too into that yet. I’ve started the Karen Chronicles. A bit farfetched but good. I haven’t caught up on it yet.

That Peyton just seems to have it in for Witchy. Witchy did you do something horrible to her in a past life?? lol

14 09 2009
Clo

You should post my blog link in her site. It’s childish but I just want to see if she gets all pissed – especially since she’s posted her link on other’s sites. Has anyone posted another blog link on her site?

14 09 2009
lara21167

I don’t think they have, but I’ll do it.

14 09 2009
lara21167

Done 🙂

14 09 2009
Clo

I love you girls.

15 09 2009
Witchypoo

We love you too, Cloey. About this Peyton character…I haven’t ever had any exchanges with her before; I don’t even remember seeing her name before. She just got all pissy when I defended Cloey’s statement. I mean, what did she expect, anyway? She called Cloey a “genius” sarcastically, saying a bunch of stupid shit I’m not even going to hurt my brain going into, (it’s been a long, eventful day). Anyhoo…yeah and then my favorite internet pal, NY, couldn’t wait to chime in with her opinion, since she’s practically radiating the afterglow of satisfaction at inferring whatever crap it is she’s going on about, “Person A and Person B, and B doesn’t HAVE to sink down to person A’s level just becasue A took the first shot…and yadayadayada. I gather I’m person B – who shouldn’t have responded to A’s nastiness…or whatever b.s…she’s spouting. I don’t care WHO says WHAT – Peyton was bitchy to Cloey…I felt moved to defend Cloey, (not that she can’t handle herself just fine…she – you – obviously can). But, that’s just how I usually am with my friends and family; it’s instinctual, I’ve ALWAYS been that way, and I’m not likely to change that aspect of my personality any time soon. Besides, why is it that these dumbass, aggressive, snotty “women” think it’s perfectly ok to ream someone, then get all worked up when they’re called on it? It’s just that they can’t seem to handle what they start – or ask for. Whenver I address someone, I’m always perfectly willing and prepared to handle whatever it is they have to say. I don’t fly off the handle, then cry about it when people don’t give me a nice reaction. And yes, Cloey…her “arguments” were so flawed and convoluted I was losing interest in even following her line of “reasoning”. She really didn’t have a valid point, other than some bullshit claim that she only was commenting on what could be going on in the head of the 15 Mile author…so she didn’t NEED to have read any of the author’s comments to have formed an opinion. Such utter bullshit. And then some idiot, (Ajoe, is it?)…who the hell is THIS Johnnie-Come-Lately? What has she to do with anything?…telling me I shouldn’t have “jumped into the mix” – or whatever she said. My head is spinning with the antics of these morons. So, am I understanding right that this half-hysterical shrew, Peyton, has her own blog? I didn’t realize that. I’ll bet it’s a real doozy, too. Shit-fuck-damn, Girls. Believe it or not, I still have a smile on my face.

Take care.

15 09 2009
Witchypoo

And, guess what?!!! I’m not even going to correct my typos on the previous rant. Progress, yes?

15 09 2009
lara21167

I am LMSO Witchy. Yea Peyton is the, NY and that other one now I’d say they are Bat crazy bitches or whatever the hell she called us. lol.

Cloey I’ll let you know if posting the link to your blog stirs up any shit. I’m tired and going to bed, way past my bedtime. Had to finish my weekly project for Finance. This turning out to be alot of work. Try craming a full semester into like 1/2 the time 🙂

15 09 2009
Witchypoo

You go, Sweet/BrainyLara. Get some zzzzzzz’s. Nightie-night, and take care, Ladies.

15 09 2009
Witchypoo

Hey, I feel like I should know this – but I don’t: what does LMSO stand for? Anyone?

15 09 2009
Witchypoo

You know…I was doing nightly chores, and it popped into my head WHY exactly I don’t care for that irritating pest, NY. She sways from overly-exaggerated, “innocent” play-acting, (“What – ME? What did I say? I didn’t MEAN to piss you off, I’m just not always clear, blah-blah-blah…”, which is just phony bullshit), to poking her nose into everyone’s, (most notably – mine), business at every opportunity, with stupid, insipid claims of, “I don’t want to get on your bad side, Clo, BUT…blah-blah-blah”…or whatever). She’s all over the place, and you can just tell she enjoys all the drama, and wants to get in there to stir up more. Since she knows I’m not a fan, she always takes the opposite view of mine, or jumps in with her valuable “support” of whoever it is who’s disagreeing with me…and I’ve noted it to a lesser degree with you guys, also. Though, lately she seems to be trying really hard to buddy-up to you, Cloey. Looks like you just might have a new “frenemy”. Her simultaneously ingratiating, (nauseating), and trouble-making manner just kind of repels me…but I couldn’t really put my finger on it until this latest set of comments. I wouldn’t have even considered poking my nose into her business in a similar set of circumstances – it wouldn’t even occur to me to be interested enough to offer an opinion. But, wouldn’t you know she just felt compelled to involve herself in this – when it didn’t have a damn thing to do with her. Hugh. I’m glad I fully figured out why it is that she makes my skin crawl. *Lightbulb going off in my head*

15 09 2009
lara21167

Witchy it is supposed to be LMAO (Laugh my ass off) I think, I really shouldn’t try to be trendy like that, especially when I’m tired lol. Oh well I tried!!

Yes I’ve noticed NY has been sucking up to Cloey. Not sure what that’s all about. They really get some kooky people commenting on bedroom blog.

15 09 2009
lara21167

Hey Cloey do you remember if J had music playing on her blog like you do? I usually have my speakers turned down so I may not have noticed. Anyhoo she does now. I posted your link again. Conviently J did a post late last night so people may not have seen it.

15 09 2009
lara21167

Yay!! I got 100% on my Amoritorization schedule for Finance!! I haven’t seen the results of the 2 quizes I’ve taken though. I just hope I did all my ratios right on the project I was working on last night.

Cloey J’s new schedule seems pretty much like yours too. I’m waiting to see if she puts up Blog laws as well. And Btw I got a bit teary reading all the rave reviews you are getting in your comments. You are doing great!!

15 09 2009
Witchypoo

Good for you, Sweetlara…I can’t say I’m surprised you’re doing so well. Keep it up. Also, I second Lara’s sentiments regarding your blog, Cloey. It’s really engrossing, well-written…just all-around great. Terrific job.

Take care.

15 09 2009
Clo

YaY Laura! Congrats on that! I don’t even understand that word, lol, so I probably wouldn’t even be able to get a 5% for it. Let us know how you’re doing, I’m so proud of you and I want to root for you!

And I know, I love all the reviews! People are so nice. I keep meaning to thank you guys too, for everything you’ve done (recommending it, and saying nice things about it!) I don’t want to do it on the blog, I dunno. I don’t care if people find out that it’s me that’s writing it, but I also don’t want to put that on front street, if you know what I mean.

And I don’t think J had music on her blog, but I’m there now and there’s still no music, so maybe it just doesn’t show up on mine? I dunno, even if she is copying me, isn’t imitation the best form of flattery? I really just think she’s a horrible writer. She tries too hard. “We selected the Lord of the Rings movie” I mean who honestly says that in real life? I dunno, it irks me.

15 09 2009
Witchypoo

Yeah, when you’re just relating miniscule details of your life, most people don’t speak like that – it sounds forced, (especially coming from someone with her personality). Also, I’d like to say more about your blog, Cloey, (on the ‘Bedroom’ site I mean), but I don’t want to seem too obvious and “blow your cover, 007″…know what I mean? But I’d enjoy the blog and read it even if you weren’t my friend – just so you know.

Take care.

15 09 2009
lara21167

Me too, if I just happened upon it, I’d still love it. So I can’t figure out how to review my quizes and I must have done horrible on the 2nd one because my total grade is only a B. Yes I know that’s still good. I keep getting emails from other “classmates” that are freaking out about the course so I guess I’m doing Ok, I’m not freaking about it. And Humanities is pretty simple I have an A in that so far. Not as much work to it.

I may have been imagining the music, I’ll check again, we have a radio in work maybe I was hearing that.

15 09 2009
lara21167

Well either the music is gone on Diary of J or it was my imagination (or the work radio)

15 09 2009
Clo

Jeremy and I are fighting. I told him not to come home. It’s not even that serious of an argument, but we just have the same one over and over and over, and he doesn’t get it. I mean we had this argument TWO freaking days ago. And here he is, doing it again.

He always tells me he’s going to do something, and then he doesn’t do it. It’s all little things, but it’s just so frustrating, because I depend on him to do it. And most of it is stuff I can do myself, but if he said he was going to do it, I feel like he should do it. And it’s like, I’ve tried just asking him, nicely, multiple times, I’ve tried reminding him, multiple times, I’ve tried nagging at him, and yelling at him, and nothing works. And I really think he just doesn’t care. He doesn’t care that I’m frustrated, and he doesn’t care enough to do these things, and that’s what I think pisses me off more than anything else.

Like today, it really is the dumbest thing. But, yesterday I told him two things, that I didn’t have anything to feed Cayden for dinner, and that I thought it would be a good idea to feed Cayden earlier in the day. Normally we wait until Jeremy gets home to eat (around 7:30) but then Cayden doesn’t take a bottle before bed and ends up waking up for one in the middle of the night. So Jeremy said “I’ll cook these hamburgers, and you can give him hamburgers for dinner.” So today, it’s almost five, Cayden’s starting to show signs that he needs his last nap for the day, so I think, I’ll feed him his dinner (of the hamburgers) put him down, and when he gets back up he can have a little snack when we eat dinner. I go into the kitchen to find the burgers, and they aren’t there. So I call him. I ask him about the burgers. “I forgot.”
Which is what he ALWAYS says. Either I forgot, or I didn’t get around to it. He NEVER forgets about the things he wants to do, and he sure as hell had time to watch the football game, but even though he was in the kitchen cooking when he said he was going to cook the burgers, he forgot about them.
And like, if it was a one time thing, I’d be like, oh, OK. I get it. Stuff happens, whatever. But it’s repeatedly. I told him no joke 50 times that I wanted to take this stuff down to my Mom’s house, and so he offered to clean out the trunk. Saturday roles around, we’re getting ready to go to Mom’s, guess who didn’t clean out the trunk?
And it’s like, both times, I could have done it, had I known I needed to do it. But he said he would, and he didn’t.

And again, it’s such little, stupid things, but I’m so very freaking frustrated. And it then throws a huge wrench into my plans and make things harder for me. And I think Jeremy would know that, because he acts like when ever he has the baby, he can’t possibly multi-task. Ever tried to wrangle a hungry, fussy baby whose opening everything, pulling to stand on everything, crawling everywhere, and repeatedly trying to eat dog food and get into the litter boxes, while you’re trying to find something for him to eat and make it?

I dunno. I’m just done. And every time we have this argument he always says he’ll try harder. That he can’t promise to be better because all he can do is try. And I’m like, that’s SUCH a cop-out. Obviously how hard can you be trying if two days later you do the same freaking thing?

Sorry, I’m just pissed.

16 09 2009
lara21167

Cloey I’m sorry you guys are fighting. That’s always so stressful especially with a baby. I don’t know what to tell you. In fact that’s why I do everything myself, because men can be so unreliable when it comes to simple things. I just find it easier to do it myself, but that’s not a solution either. That’s just letting him off the hook and learning to rely on you for everything. Maybe telling him to get out and not come back will make him realize how important it is for him to do what he says he’s going to. Vent all you want and let us know how things go. I’m going to bed so Nighty night.

16 09 2009
Witchypoo

Uh-hugh, Cloey…husbands can be really frustrating with their reluctance to take care of the “little things” that need doing. When my guy and I first moved in together before getting married, our first argument was over household duties, (he’s pretty lax about most things around the house). It pissed me off to no end that I was as busy as him, yet if I didn’t want us living in utter filth and chaos, I had to be the one to take care of almost all the responsibilities. He’s usually pretty good about the “man-chores”…fixing things, putting things together, etc.). Lately though, he’s even been pretty lax about those things, since the two older spawn can handle some of the simpler things, (like cleaning the garage, fixing the garbage disposal, mowing the lawns – things like that). Anyhoo, there’s still plenty that he needs to take care of…but “eager” isn’t a term I’d use to describe regarding his attitude about all the little “Hunny-Do” tasks that have been adding up. Sometimes I do get frustrated about the procrastination in this area; it’s pretty mild irritation, though…considering he’s almost always so busy with the boys, and our family activities. I did used to get more pissed off during the first few years of our marriage, though. I think women see this foot-dragging issue as a lack of concern for our feelings – while men just see it as an isolated, “no big-deal” type of thing where they’re baffled about why we make it a personal issue…when they just don’t feel like doing these things. They feel hassled by our responses, and don’t relate to our feelings of having our wishes brushed aside. I don’t know…I think it’s a pretty common situation in a lot of marriages. I think domestic issues are harder to deal with in the earlier days of a marriage/relationship. At least, that’s been my experience, and that of my friends, also, I think.

Take care.

16 09 2009
Witchypoo

But, yeah…I meant to add that it really is a headache to fight about these things; it just adds stress to an already busy/hectic life with a baby, I know.

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